heart in the sky


BeatifuL Disaster

Take aLL that I have.

SomeOne Good
heart in the sky
I need soeone good in my life. Someone will all the attributes that I want in a girl plus some. If i could trust Connie 110% , only if she wouldnt act like the victim when Im the one who is hurting and being attack, then she would be absoultley perfect for me. Shes my 80 and some other girl out there is my 20. Actually all the other girls I;ve met during Connie have all been my 20. Maybe just maybe i should try to go out with a 20. I may never know they can turn into something amazing like my 90 or possibly even 100%!
Sometiems I wonder, am I asking for too much? I feel like Im not enough when Connie is flirting with other girls and possibly when she cheats on me. She doesnt realize that it does and will hurt my self esteem and my heart. Last night(Saturday night) i actually was hoping it was the actual end, i was kinda hoping that I didnt have to deal with her anymore. But she actually called and apologized. I kinda pushed her buttons on and on , on purpose actually. so i could actually have a legit reason why to end things with her. UGh, Im stupid. My next reason that I wont accept her back is if she cheats on me. I;d rather hae her hit me then cheat on me, and that the honest truth.
So Im thinking of not telling everyone if not anyone my problems. Main reason being is that I dont want everyone to think that of Connie mean or anything like that. I think I already painted a picture for most of my friends and my sisters and parents.
In all honesty, I believe that nothing is really my fault, especially the other night. If she would of never sent me the wrong msg n be flirting with other bitches, i wouldnt be mad or get mad. We wouldnt have argued. What was I gonna do? Just ignore the msg and not have any feelings at all and make it seem like it is ok for her to do that. I only bitch when it is nesscary but she doesnt understand that and never will.
Right now, my head and my heart have so many feelings and thoughts that I dont know what to do with them. I wanna cry but at the same time i'm pissed. I love her but at the same time I hate her. I dont want anything to do with her but I still wanna be with her. I wish I knew what to do, I wish there was another girl who just simply swept me off my feet to make me forget about Connie and not make me wanna be with her anymore and to stop dealing with all of Connie's bull shit. A whole fuking year of dealing with Connie, a year with someone should be bliss and amazing, not so much hard work, but it has been. Everyone can tell me all this shit about her and tell me not to be with her, but I wont listen. Its stupid because she tells her sister our problems but none of them are because of me. I dont start arguments because Im bored and I dont start nagging unless she does something that I dont like. SHE KNOWS ME! WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING TO SOMEONE KNOWING THAT THEY DONT LIKE WHEN YOU DO THAT. I passed out being with some many different girls because of her, but of course she doesnt know that.
Its just simply rediculous how unhappy I am right now. Nothing right now cant make me happy except for Connie when she stops being a jerk with me. I know being with someone is not the end of the world. but being withsomeone does help make your world a little more enjoyable to live in.

Me & Cola

         You never realize how much u miss a person until u actually with them....especially if you grew up wit this person........You remember all the stupid lil things that you spoke about and all the dumb jokes that only makes sense to you guys....
        I acutally got a chance to c Brenda yesterday!! Its werid thou....I mean you would of thought not seeing her to almost a year would be really weird, but its not, its like we picked up where we left off at! She truley is an amazing person & Friend, She has seen all my dorky and awkward moments, and not once judge me for any thing....
     I was really happy to c her yesterday, i just wish i got to see my other old friends that I pretty much grew up.....I mean not yesterday, but that we just made time to do it.
    Its just too weird how people become friends and then through out the years of not talking and seeing eachother makes us become strangers.I wouldnt want that for any body.I mean ya i know it happens and thats life and people grow apart....but why....it just doesnt really make any sense to me......xoxo!


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